(Alternate title: Tips for Bodybuilders)
So, Eric and I recently watched a documentary on bodybuilding.
I fell asleep. It was interesting. This was actually not the first documentary on bodybuilding I’ve watched and –spoiler alert– I can attest the plot is the same every time: Get big, get bigger, (insert mandatory Arnold Schwarzenegger cameo here), more bigness, then everyone slathers up in oil, the end.
Now, before you think I’m uninterested in the sport as a whole, let me clarify:
I’m all about watching and learning about the dreams, struggles and Herculean training of the professional bodybuilder…
…until they get to the part about how it’s such a struggle to gain weight.
That’s where they lose me.
Gaining weight is not hard. Not to brag, but I’m really good at it. Like, really good at it. I can do it without trying. I can even do it while trying to lose weight. (Yeah, I’m that good.) It’s like complaining you only have one iPhone charger to a kid in the third world with no shoes.
However, to prove I’m not completely unempathetic to the plight of the bodybuilder, I will share my secrets to gaining weight for all those who are not so
unfortunate for it to come so naturally.
Note: Do not attempt these tactics unless you are absolutely positive you want to gain weight. This regime works exactly 100% of the time.
Lesson 1: Hunger shmunger. If you’re thirsty, bored, sleepy, anxious, cranky, crampy, happy, nervous, procrastinating, celebrating, depressed, feeling hungry, full or just sort of blah– eat some food.
Lesson 2: Sugar is your friend. As are fritters.
Lesson 3: Artificial is beneficial. Your new motto is: “It’s only food if it comes from a tube.”
Lesson 4: Multitask. Eat while you do other things like work or watch TV so you have virtually no memory of the food you just consumed, or the quantities you consumed it in. Then go get another snack.
Lesson 5: Bowls are for football. Eat your ice cream directly out of the container to eliminate all notions of portion control.
Follow these 5 simple lessons and you too will be gaining weight with ease and gusto before you know it. Slather up with confidence, my huge, oily friends.
(Completely unrelated note on my Primal challenge: Going better than expected! I’ll do an update next week.)
So, help me help the bodybuilders: What’s your secret to guaranteed weight gain?