(Alternate title: Tips for Bodybuilders)

So, Eric and I recently watched a documentary on bodybuilding. I fell asleep. It was interesting. This was actually not the first documentary on bodybuilding I’ve watched and –spoiler alert– I can attest the plot is the same every time: Get big, get bigger, (insert mandatory Arnold Schwarzenegger cameo here), more bigness, then everyone slathers up in oil, the end.

Now, before you think I’m uninterested in the sport as a whole, let me clarify:

I’m all about watching  and learning about the dreams, struggles and Herculean training of the professional bodybuilder…

good stuff sir

…until they get to the part about how it’s such a struggle to gain weight.

Cumberbatch

That’s where they lose me.

Gaining weight is not hard. Not to brag, but I’m really good at it. Like, really good at it. I can do it without trying. I can even do it while trying to lose weight. (Yeah, I’m that good.) It’s like complaining you only have one iPhone charger to a kid in the third world with no shoes.

However, to prove I’m not completely unempathetic to the plight of the bodybuilder, I will share my secrets to gaining weight for all those who are not so unfortunate for it to come so naturally.

Note: Do not attempt these tactics unless you are absolutely positive you want to gain weight. This regime works exactly 100% of the time.

Lesson 1: Hunger shmunger. If you’re thirsty, bored, sleepy, anxious, cranky, crampy, happy, nervous, procrastinating, celebrating, depressed, feeling hungry, full or just sort of blah– eat some food.

Lesson 2: Sugar is your friend. As are fritters.

Lesson 3: Artificial is beneficial. Your new motto is: “It’s only food if it comes from a tube.”

Lesson 4: Multitask. Eat while you do other things like work or watch TV so you have virtually no memory of the food you just consumed, or the quantities you consumed it in. Then go get another snack.

Lesson 5: Bowls are for football. Eat your ice cream directly out of the container to eliminate all notions of portion control.

michelle tanner ice cream

Follow these 5 simple lessons and you too will be gaining weight with ease and gusto before you know it. Slather up with confidence, my huge, oily friends.

(Completely unrelated note on my Primal challenge: Going better than expected! I’ll do an update next week.)

So, help me help the bodybuilders: What’s your secret to guaranteed weight gain?

 

35 Thoughts on “How to Gain Weight and Marinate People

  1. ….This is the biggest lie. The only way they find it hard to gain weight is because they are working out more intensely than they perceive or they are eating carrots and counting it as candy.

    Fritters are amazing. That is all.
    Arman @ thebigmansworld recently posted…[Gluten free] Curry Vegetable BurgersMy Profile

  2. I love “multi-snacking!” and I do it all the time. My go-to weight gain plan is to get injured and not exercise for two weeks while doing all of the above on your list because I’m pouting over not being able to exercise. Waaahhhh.
    Allie recently posted…The Rundown – It’s OfficialMy Profile

  3. “Fritters will always be my friend. Always! You hear me?! Nobody can take them away from me. Nobody! Oops, I might have gotten a little carried away there….” slowly backs away, with fritter griped firmly in hand.

  4. hahahahahah hilarious. i’m awesome at weight gain too!

    however, their weight gain is different – they’re talking about muscle mass and weight from mass. that is hard and a lot of it has to do with genetics ie. look at the Rock…he’s a giant 6’5 guy and is able to build a lot of muscle mass…a 5’7 guy would never be able to get that kind of mass simply because his body is not built like that.
    kathy@vodka and soda recently posted…friday favorites [8-22]My Profile

    • You speak the truth. It’s interesting that the accumulation of mass is reversed for women– the smaller the gal, the easier it is to pack on the lbs :) once again though, we’re talking fat, not muscle mass. totally different beast.

  5. Ha! You’re right- gaining weight is NOT hard for 99% of the population. I’d also add “start a marathon on Netflix.” It’ll practically guarantee that you skip your workout and consume a whole bag of potato chips.
    Kelly @ Kelly Runs For Food recently posted…Meet our new addition!My Profile

  6. Yup, gaining weight is as easy as pie (pun intended!)! Lots of snacking and lots of sweets certainly helps to move things along!
    Holly @ EatGreatBEGreat recently posted…Week 29 – I Passed!My Profile

  7. Shashi @ RunninSrilankan on August 26, 2014 at 10:10 am said:

    Yup – I sure do know people who say they cannot gain any weight and I just wanna throw a pie in their face!!
    :)
    I know gaining “healthy” weight differs from just gaining weight – but I look for any excuse to throw pie…speaking of which – wanna play catch – with a pie? :)

  8. I’ve taught you well, you are welcome! A big appetite is a blessing! Nothing worse than no appetite! You have to feel sorry for people with those problems! Xxo
    Carlotta Boeschenstein recently posted…Sharing Happiness &Tons of Smiles Today!My Profile

  9. Hahaha. Great tips 😉 I can totally relate. What a problem to have!
    Whitney @ To Live & Diet in L.A. recently posted…Wedding Season, Workouts and Weekend EatsMy Profile

  10. ……… I have a hard time gaining weight…….

    I’m glad you offer only a 5 step program rather than a 12.

    Don’t hate me.
    Chris @ ifailedfran recently posted…Lots Of Cool Things And 1 NemesisMy Profile

  11. Eehehehe. Bowls are definitely for football, both in terms of ice cream AND cereal. My cereal addiction has gotten so out of hand that I’m seriously considering just pouring milk into the bag and eating it that way. At least it’ll save me some clean up…
    Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…. spiced greek yogurt applesauce bread .My Profile

  12. Hhaah I would probably tell the TV to SHUT UP because most people gain weight reeeeeally easily. It’s probably because they’re eating soooooo healthy…or manly…. I don’t know what body builders eat.
    Erin @ The Almond Eater recently posted…Classic Peach CobblerMy Profile

  13. HaHa – I must be in the wrong sport – maybe I should try to be a body builder then I could justify my weight gain!!!
    Kim recently posted…My Wake-Up CallMy Profile

  14. Ha! Hilarious! I love it! I 100% agree with all of these recommendations. Who needs to gain weight!??! Seriously. I need a snack.
    Britt@MyOwnBalance recently posted…Baby B’s ShowerMy Profile

  15. Everybody’s concerns are valid and worth expressing. But when somebody says “I just can’t gain weight” I feel it is okay to suspend my previous statement.

    The best advice I can give for gaining weight is to cook or bake something.

    A taste here, a bit there, and whatever you were making will have to be scaled down. (For example, ‘cupcakes’ become ‘mini-muffins’) And when you can’t make a respectable dish out of the small amount of ingredients you have left after nibbling away, you may as well just eat the rest to remove all evidence.

    • Amen Mitchell- couldn’t have said it better myself!! and yeah, i just cant when people say they cant gain weight. even big muscular guys who work out all the time – i get it, they’re calorie burning machines, but still… they must not be eating their feelings enough :)

  16. DUDE gaining weight is the BEST PROBLEM – well, if you have to! LOL!! I would eat salmon skin for days, BUCKETS FULL!
    GiGi Eats recently posted…The Fit and Funny Foodies Battle It Out Blender StyleMy Profile

  17. HAHA ugh, I know these all too well, as does my butt. ALL THE SUGAR PLEASE.
    Brittany recently posted…Early Morning ConfessionsMy Profile

  18. OMG I am dying. Yup I am a master at the gain weight even when I should be losing, ha love this!
    Amanda – RunToTheFinish recently posted…A Collector of Experiences – Minimalist gift givingMy Profile

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