In an article recently published on Medium called “Put Down The Pink Dumbbell,” Zeynep Tufekci wrote about some misconceptions people have about exercise. At one point she noted: “Last year, New York Times health blog, the Well had back-to-back viral stories: first, how to exercise in seven minutes, and then how to exercise in one minute. There are a constant stream of allegedly better, novel ways to exercise.”

Obviously, people nowadays are looking for a quick fix when it comes to exercise, and everyone seems to think they can shortcut the process to better health. To these people I’d just like to say that in life there are no short… comings when it comes to cutting corners!

Welcome to the 30-Second Workout, where we take the work out of your workout.

In just 30 seconds a day you can get in shape and feel as great as victory tastes. If you’re like me and loved the sound of the one-minute workout but were all, “yeah right — where am I going to find that kind of time?” Then this is the workout for you.

It’s all of the benefits, none of the effort — which, as we all know, is how smart people get things done.

With the 30-Second Workout (copyright pending), there’s no need to leave your home or office, my superbly efficient friend. No gyms to navigate, no full minutes to waste — it’s simply never-before-seen fitness techniques designed to get you feeling amazing. You ready? Let’s proceed.

The 30-Second Workout

Make sure to go through the entire circuit as quickly as possible. Remember you only have 30 seconds, so make them count.

Part 1: Warm Up / Salutation

Kneel down with your hips directly in line with your knees. Sit all the way back so you’re sitting with your legs tucked beneath you. Close your eyes and imagine you’re floating on a sea of tranquility. This position is called the Sitting Duck.

You’re now officially in the 30-second workout zone.

Part 2: Arms

Stand up. Pick up something lightweight but bulky, like a wool sweater. Hold it evenly in both hands and extend arms up overhead. Bend at the elbows and lower the sweater until the wool is over your eyes.

Do this once then move on, you don’t have all day.

Part 3: Legs/Core

Hold your stomach in and bend your knees like you’re sitting in a chair (note: do this over a chair). Now, sit back all the way. Are you sitting down? Good, because I have some bad news — results of the 30-second workout are not guaranteed.

You have no time to dwell on this, move on to the final step.

Part 4: Cool Down / Stretch

(Note: requires a partner.)

Lie down. Specifically, lie down on your back with one leg in the air. Have your workout partner help you extend your raised leg as far as possible. Make sure not to manipulate or cajole the lifted appendage in any way, it should simply feel like someone’s pulling your leg.

Change legs and repeat.

And that’s it, folks. Studies* show that just 30 seconds a day can take you from flab to fab, no sweat equity required.

*I’ve yet to conduct any studies. I keep meaning to but I can’t find the time — if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

its always something

(For best results: Combine 30-second workout with moderate exercise 3-5 days per week. Sorry.)

 

Questions (Serious ones. No more nonsense):

How much time do you spend working out per week? (It takes me many, many hours of exercise per week to look like a regular person who could really use some muscle tone.)

Are you happy with your current schedule or do you wish you could increase/decrease frequency?

Do you have as much trouble sitting still at a desk all day as I do?

Speaking of sweat equity, how much do you sweat compared to a normal person? (If you converted the amount of water I lose per workout into snow, I’m pretty sure it would rival Boston totals)

 

If we were to personify your inner athlete, what would he or she look like?

Big and intense like the Hulk?

sheldon puny human

 

Agile and speedy like the Flash?

sheldon the flash

 

Strong and focused like Bruce Lee?

bruce lee

 

…Mine looks more like Larry David.

larry-david

It’s whiny, neurotic, and manages to offend others by just being itself. (But on the upside, it wears sneakers everywhere.)

Whenever it comes to trying a new activity, the following conversation between me and my Inner Athlete (IA) comes to pass:

Me: I should try CrossFit.

IA: (Sits up from a reclining position) What are you nuts?! Have you seen the amount of coordination and lung capacity and general athleticism required for CrossFit? Have you seen how much people sweat? Do you even have that much water in your body?

Me: Yeah, but you know, people start out at all different levels.

IA: Yeah you’re going to get leveled if you take one step inside that Box, Snowflake.

Me: I think you’re overreacting. I’ll just go at my own pace.

IA: What is this really about? Are you stressed? Anxious? Can’t you just take a brisk walk and call it a day?

Me: What? No — I just think it’s time I try CrossFit. Everybody who tries it seems to love it.

IA: Have it your way but just so you know, I’m not on board with this.

Me: Listen, Inner Athlete — this is happening.

IA: Listen, Charlotte — this is not happening yet. What if your form is all wrong and you break in half like a twig? What if your form is perfect but you get stuck frozen in that position with the thing above your head and can’t move til someone notices and has to come rescue you? What if your barre workout clothes don’t cut it for Box workouts? What if you need upper body strength? What if there are people there?

Me: Huh, I hadn’t thought about those things.

IA: (Says nothing, returns to reclining position.)

Me: Ok, you win this week. But next week we’re doing it!

IA: Oh good, next week you have a dentist appointment so that’ll be convenient when you accidentally knock your teeth out.

My Inner Athlete and I then stare at each other for a while, simultaneously saying everything and nothing:

larry-david-stares-down-mjf

 

Questions:

So if we were to personify your inner athlete, which one do you most identify with — Hulk, Lee, Flash or David?

Or, if none of those options are to your liking, what famous person or cartoon character does inner athlete most resemble?

 

 

After several years of observing Healthy Living Bloggers (Scribus Bloggerus Salutem) in the wild, the scientific community* has assembled the following profile on this most baffling yet charming subset of society.

*scientific community = me (who has no scientific knowledge whatsoever, but did take 2 years of high school Latin.)

Temporal Range: Early to Mid- Internet Era to Present.

hlb scientific classification

Etymology

The Healthy Living Blogger (Scribus Bloggerus Salutem) is an entertaining member of the human race. Full of advice, recipes, workouts and anecdotes, the Scribus Bloggerus (for short) is perhaps the most amusing of all the Hominidae.

Evolution and Conservation

Evolving from their predecessors the Scribus MySpaceum, the Scribus Bloggerus is a modern, less creepy subset. They are now a thriving breed and — in what may sound both comforting and threatening– are in absolutely no danger of going anywhere.

blogger conservation status

Range and Habitat

Scientists have found Scribus Bloggerus all over the world. Indeed HL Bloggers have proven to be a hearty stock, needing only edible fare, a camera phone and the slightest internet connection to survive.

When it comes to literary range, some Bloggers have proven themselves more capable than others. This is also true on oven ranges.

Habits and Behavior

HL Bloggers tend to roam the internet in packs, leaving their scent in the form of comments on each other’s sites and developing a strong sense of community and long distance friendships.

However, it is still unclear to scientists when this curious breed sleeps. Having jobs, children, and other commitments during the day, many bloggers have been known to both burn the midnight oil and get up before the sun. At times it seems the only light source they need is the blue-ish glow of their monitors.

Diet

The diet of the Scribus Bloggerus Salutem has baffled scientists for years. It seems no two Bloggers are the same, and vary from completely carnivorous to completely vegan. Others have been known to subsist for long stretches on caffeine and select items from the Starbucks pastry display.

However, despite this variety in dietary needs, most HL Bloggers find common ground in their shared love of protein powder, nut butters and free samples.

Reproduction

The reproduction of another blogger’s idea on one’s own blog without giving credit where credit is due is the bane of the Scribus Bloggerus’ existence.

While Reproductive Rights have come  a long way, the debate is far from over: Many see it as a matter of morality, yet many others insist, “my body of work, my choice.”

Relationship with Humans

The relationship between HL Bloggers and regular humans is one of confusion. Oftentimes, researchers have overheard one Blogger say to another Blogger “my non-blogging friends and family just don’t get it.” This unequivocally has led science to conclude that the Scribus Bloggerus Salutem must be the smartest (or at least smart aleckest) of their kind.

 

Thanks to Amanda for encouraging these thoughts to go from my head to the internet.

Thinking-Out-Loud2

 

Questions:

Were you ever on Myspace?

How much sleep do you need to be able to function?

How long have you been blogging??

So, last week we did Food and Fitness Limericks. Therefore, this week it only seems apt that we do Fitness and Food Haikus. (Apt partially because one good literary device deserves another, but mostly because I love a good partial rhyme in a title.)

bring it on gif

…Or anywhere, really.

The following notes are addressed to things, concepts and notions. The body of the note is in the 5-7-5 syllable pattern known as haiku.

Here we go.

 

8. 

bar method haiku

 

7.

running haiku

 

6. 

psl haiku

 

5. 

west side story haiku

 

4. 

venn haiku

 

3.  

banana haiku

 

2. 

acne haiku 1

 

1. 

dessert haiku

 

Questions:

It’s truth time- do you actually like Pumpkin Spice Lattes or just the idea of them? (I want to like them, I just don’t.)

Are you over the age of 20 and do you still get acne? (Yes.)

Do you prefer dinner or dessert? (Calories and nutritional value not withstanding, I would ideally eat dessert for every meal.)