As I was trying to figure out what to have for a mid-morning snack the other day (deciding between a yogurt followed by a banana, or half a Chocolove chocolate bar followed by the other half of that bar) I started thinking about nutrition labels.

Experts have agreed upon the following label as the best way to educate mankind about what we’re putting in our bodies:

nutrition label

These labels are fine. Totally adequate. We’ve all been taught what they mean. However, if we actually understood them we wouldn’t need Weight Watchers to simplify things further and count points for us.

When it comes to labels, I like them to tell me exactly what’s going on without numbers. This is the proper way. Case and point: The letter A was used in 17th century colonial Boston to label adulteresses as evidenced in The Scarlet Letter, and in more modern times fashion designers have been kind enough to use labels such as “Prada,” “Ralph Lauren” and so on. Therefore, my proposed labels would be free of meaningless math as well.

no capes no math

My proposed labels would also deconstruct the current ones even further. For example, when I look at fat content, I’m really wondering how long until I’m hungry again. When I look at potassium, well, I don’t– if I wanted potassium I’d eat a banana. My point is, each line on my new nutrition label still answers the same question as it did on the old label. The line for sodium still tells you about sodium, the line for cholesterol still tells you about cholesterol… but in a way that does not require conversions:

For example, let’s say I wanted to eat some junk food:

new nutrition labels

So there you have it. I’m sure Mrs Obama will reach out to me when she’s not so busy and we’ll start a new health campaign called “Food: Ready, Filling and Labeled.”

So that’s what I’m thinking (out loud) today. Thanks Amanda!

Thinking-Out-Loud2

 

Questions:

What do you look at when you look at nutrition labels? (I always glance at fat, sodium, and protein. And sometimes sugar.)

Do you pay attention to suggested serving sizes?  (I do pay attention, I just don’t always agree with their suggestion.)

Do you like numbers? (Gross.)

After several years of observing Healthy Living Bloggers (Scribus Bloggerus Salutem) in the wild, the scientific community* has assembled the following profile on this most baffling yet charming subset of society.

*scientific community = me (who has no scientific knowledge whatsoever, but did take 2 years of high school Latin.)

Temporal Range: Early to Mid- Internet Era to Present.

hlb scientific classification

Etymology

The Healthy Living Blogger (Scribus Bloggerus Salutem) is an entertaining member of the human race. Full of advice, recipes, workouts and anecdotes, the Scribus Bloggerus (for short) is perhaps the most amusing of all the Hominidae.

Evolution and Conservation

Evolving from their predecessors the Scribus MySpaceum, the Scribus Bloggerus is a modern, less creepy subset. They are now a thriving breed and — in what may sound both comforting and threatening– are in absolutely no danger of going anywhere.

blogger conservation status

Range and Habitat

Scientists have found Scribus Bloggerus all over the world. Indeed HL Bloggers have proven to be a hearty stock, needing only edible fare, a camera phone and the slightest internet connection to survive.

When it comes to literary range, some Bloggers have proven themselves more capable than others. This is also true on oven ranges.

Habits and Behavior

HL Bloggers tend to roam the internet in packs, leaving their scent in the form of comments on each other’s sites and developing a strong sense of community and long distance friendships.

However, it is still unclear to scientists when this curious breed sleeps. Having jobs, children, and other commitments during the day, many bloggers have been known to both burn the midnight oil and get up before the sun. At times it seems the only light source they need is the blue-ish glow of their monitors.

Diet

The diet of the Scribus Bloggerus Salutem has baffled scientists for years. It seems no two Bloggers are the same, and vary from completely carnivorous to completely vegan. Others have been known to subsist for long stretches on caffeine and select items from the Starbucks pastry display.

However, despite this variety in dietary needs, most HL Bloggers find common ground in their shared love of protein powder, nut butters and free samples.

Reproduction

The reproduction of another blogger’s idea on one’s own blog without giving credit where credit is due is the bane of the Scribus Bloggerus’ existence.

While Reproductive Rights have come  a long way, the debate is far from over: Many see it as a matter of morality, yet many others insist, “my body of work, my choice.”

Relationship with Humans

The relationship between HL Bloggers and regular humans is one of confusion. Oftentimes, researchers have overheard one Blogger say to another Blogger “my non-blogging friends and family just don’t get it.” This unequivocally has led science to conclude that the Scribus Bloggerus Salutem must be the smartest (or at least smart aleckest) of their kind.

 

Thanks to Amanda for encouraging these thoughts to go from my head to the internet.

Thinking-Out-Loud2

 

Questions:

Were you ever on Myspace?

How much sleep do you need to be able to function?

How long have you been blogging??

Among other mindless things I’ve been known to do, I sometimes eat food and have no recollection of the incident until I see the evidence of a wrapper or a banana peel in the trash…

Thinking-Out-Loud2

The following scenario is based on a true story:

[Charlotte is working on the computer doing a million things at once while simultaneously eating a banana]

An unknown amount of time later…

Charlotte (to good friend, Christine, on gchat): “So weird- I can’t find my banana- I know I had one.”

Christine: “Look in your trash.”

[Charlotte looks in trash and finds the peel leading her to Sherlock-Holmes her way to the conclusion she ate the banana already.]

I have given the above condition a scientific name: Ghost-Eating.

ghost-eating

(For the purpose of this post we’re just going to use the first definition)

Obviously, this condition is the result of one of two things:

  1. Being senile, or
  2. Trying to multitask eating with one or more activities.

Since it is Halloween time and seems eerily on topic, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the classic theme song from Ghostbusters to include the word Ghost-Eating.

If you need help with the tune:

 

When there’s something strange, in your garbage can-

whatcha gonna blame?

ghost-eating!

 

Yeah it’s kinda weird, and you don’t feel sane-

whatcha gonna blame?

ghost-eating!

 

I just ate like a ghost

I just ate like a ghost

 

When you’re eating things, in your pajamas-

whatcha gonna blame?

ghost-eating!

 

An invisible man, eating your bananas-

whatcha gonna blame?

ghost-eating!

 

[repeat refrain]

 

Ghost-Eating — careful or it will get you too — it’s science.

back-off-man-Im-a-scientist-ghostbusters

 

Thanks for hosting, Amanda!

Questions:

Can you sympathize?

Have you ghost-eaten before?

What are you (or your kids) being for Halloween?

 

People classify themselves by all sorts of things — nationality, gender, creed, Boston sports fan, etc. Personally, I identify as a morning worker-outer.

We’re a small but proud subset of society. Waking up early, we start sweating before most people even open their eyes.

Some may wonder why any sane person would want to get up 2 hours before they normally would, in the dead of winter, to go inflict pain on their muscles, but to those parties I respond the following: I work out at 6am because 6pm is happy hour, and therefore an inappropriate time to be in a gym.

amen

When people ask how I stick to a morning workout routine, I look them in the eye, lean in real close and say “I WAKE THE F UP.”

“You wake the F up?” they reply curiously.

“It’s an acronym” I tell them. “I WAKE THE F UP. And now, so can you.”

How to be a Morning Worker-Outer: WAKE THE F UP

Step 1. Wipe the sleep from your eyes and the tears from your cheek as your alarm goes off at the ungodly hour you set it for.

Step 2. Avow revenge on the morning time.

revenge business

Step 3. Knock over everything on your bedside table as you fall out of bed like some sort of tranquilized animal.

Step 4Eat something. Food, preferably.

Step 5Then drink coffee.

Step 6. Hug. As in, start to feel the comfort of caffeine coursing through your veins like the warm, stimulanty hug that it is.

Step 7Ease into your workout clothes.

Step 8. Feet. Whats on them? You’ll need shoes if you’re going to complete this mission, soldier.

Step 9Undergo transformation from sleepy half-beast to more awake human.

Step 10Propel yourself full steam ahead out of the house and into the gym like the badass early riser you are.

And there you have it. You too will be a morning worker-outer if you simply remember to WAKE THE F UP.

Like every Thursday, this post is the electronic manifestation of me Thinking Out Loud.

Thinking-Out-Loud2

Thanks Amanda!

Questions:

Are you a morning, evening or mid-day worker-outer?

Are you a morning person in general?

What time of day are you at your best?